Miami, FL – Have you ever heard elite status passengers in airports telling anyone and everyone who will listen about their status level? Well, if you have then it’s not a one-off instance. Right now, across the world, there will be someone loudly yelling at a check-in agent about their Diamond medallion status, which translates to their apparent overarching importance in the airport above and beyond any other person – at least, in their own mind.

At another airport, a concierge key holder with a tiny penis will be smirking whilst boarding their aircraft and being recognized by a gate agent who really doesn’t care less but is forced to read out a robotic line thanking said CK card holder for their loyalty. This will in turn, make the CK status holder feel much better than all other crew and passengers he meets for the rest of the time spent airside. Until of course, they are waiting for an uber on landing and likely just default back to their regular lives of less importance.

With airlines taking away so much of what passengers used to expect, and the constant drive economically for loyalty programs to push airline profitability, more and more passengers across airports will even hear of passengers flexing about their silver or bronze status now. Recently this was overheard at a boarding gate in Denver where one passenger attempting to board with group 4 was heard yelling “is this how United Airlines treats all their silver members?” Considering there are literally millions of Silver members, the answer is likely to be yes.

Today’s headline is no different. Airport workers in Miami were stunned last week when one “Triple Diamond titanium ruby double-gold guest list platinum sapphire elite” cardholder announced himself at check-in. Whilst some other passengers remained quiet in the expectation that their status would come up on the screen, the passenger by the name of Mr. Goldberg loudly barked to at least 4 airport workers that he was Triple Diamond status (abbreviated version). To double down on this, Mr. Goldberg exclaimed that he was in fact also in First class, which seemed to draw a blank reaction from most. This was, of course until the check-in manager saw some form of red alert pop up, and rally the troops into line and with stony eyes have everyone caress Mr. Goldberg’s ego until he was safely through to the oasis of the lounge.

Not just any lounge, no, the highest elite lounge possible, with a special exclusive section for the top status holders. The entire process started again when Mr. Goldberg approached the lounge, with a fresh group of airport workers quickly being informed that they were blessed to be in the presence of a Triple Diamond card holder.

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After some research, it turns out that Mr. Goldberg’s corporate job had essentially paid for this top status after years of travel to such destinations such as Omaha, Rapid City in South Dakota, and Union City North Dakota.

Witnesses said that they were aware of the top tier status holders when they already saw several of the elite baggage tags, yet by the time they could even digest how cool this was, there was audible confirmation regarding Mr. Goldberg’s status, from Mr. Goldberg himself.
Ms. Jones, who herself is ‘only’ a regular platinum elite says that she was approached by Mr. Goldberg in the elevator to the lounge. She had already heard the Triple Diamond holder tell literally every one of his status at the reception, yet he then engaged her, smugly noting her elite bag tag commenting; “huh, platinum, right? You should try Triple diamond. 100 flights a year. There was no more engagement after this as Mr. Goldberg looked at the elevator ceiling grinning, knowing that now everyone knew he had the top-dog status.

Another witness, who went simply by the name of Brad, was visiting the lounge for the very first time. He didn’t know where to go and held up the queue by no more than 20 seconds, to be met by much huffing, puffing and condescending smirking from the day’s top status holder. Brad said; “I couldn’t care less what his status is. What a wanker. Probably lives in a studio bedsit when he isn’t waving his dick around in airports.’

We contacted Mr. Goldberg for comment, and after he spoke for 15 minutes about his importance, along with the amount he flies, the frequent flyer explained how he likes to tell everyone about his status not to show off, but to inspire them. He says most people seem really interested in how many lounge passes he has that they tend to walk off shaking their heads which Mr. Goldberg said he assumed was because they were utterly amazed.

Mr. Goldberg eventually departed on his flight to South Dakota which went without incident. He was the very first passenger to board the aircraft and ensured that everyone waiting at the gate noticed he boarded first due to his elite status. It does however turn out that he was sat in the first row of Main Cabin Plus and not first class, as the cabin was fully booked and his free upgrade attached to his status did not clear. Mr. Goldberg became a little more subdued behind the first-class passengers on the flight but continued to inform most economy passengers that his status was superior to all of them.